it's my way or no way !

sound bitter, huh ?!.. my exact sentiment.

i have been who i am and what i want to be for as long as i want it to be. came along someone whom i love so much, trying to change me, how to handle that ?

from the day i first started having a career until now, i have hold positions like events coordinator to events executive to events manager to stage manager to production manager to assistant producer to stage director to director to artistic director and now as events director and executive producer. i don't see the reason why i cannot berlagak a bit and proudly claim that i have achieved and still striving to achieve the very best in my life. so please understand why my work ethic is drastically aggressive and my level of expectation is extremely high.

i can also safely say that whoever is involved in my personal life, if not with a heart like a stone, would not be able to work professionally with me.

but i have high respect for those who can.

thru my school & college years, ten years in events management and three years in theatre management, i did not have a lot of friends. maybe because i was born with sarcasm. some friendship destroyed along the line. some professional relationship did turn into personal friendship, vice versa.

to name a few - rina, eric, azri, gavin, fang, wandi, aie, shah, zaff, petom, kak g, wan & saiful.

recently i entered a new era in my life, making my directorial debut in stage play, performed at a reception dinner for the prestigious World Congress of IT 2008 at berjaya times square. titled "a case of belonging" was staged by 20 talented actors/actresses/dancers gathered from um, uitm, aswara, dbkl & mppj. credits goes to the followings ::

exec. producer / director / artistic director / stage director / scriptwriter :: lina hasbullah
co producer /co - director :: saiful yahaya
choreographer / wardrobe master / make up :: hadi
scriptwriter / lyricist / production manager :: normi suffian
scriptwriter :: ahmad ridhuan
sound engineer / sound operator :: aie'z quest
lighting designer :: lim ang swee
sound engineer / lighting operator :: wandi quest
props master / stage manager :: ridzuan azimi
stage manager / wardrobe assistant :: fairuz rahman
stage manager / wardrobe assistant :: zharif safian
make up :: ain
follow spot operator :: zenn quest
videographer :: am nasir
photographer :: gary ooi
legal advisor :: rina rizal
casts :: shah, keyown, salleh, adeq, eddy rusdi, fairuz, sharon sharafina, che zehan, roy, lydya, nabila, ena, bya, hanz, kash, kl, abby, liyana, siew boon & chan.

these are the family that we created in less than a month..

ok, my point back to my question.. - mr. s..

working with me, i think, has made him a bit more stressful than he always get normally. i do love him a lot as himself but, of course there's a but.. hmmm... his expectation to me, professionally and personally is a bit weird for me to handle, considering the fact that i do not have to face personal relationship at work for the past, hmm, many many years..

who to change for who, remains the issue up to now.. him being what he is and me being what i am, agreeing in the middle is almost impossible. we did spoke about things whenever problems happened but knowing him, he still cannot comprehend my ways and of course, knowing myself, i too cannot comprehend his ways.

at this point, i don't know how to sustain his love to me as i am only living on thin line of hope. selfish hope that i am and will be the one and only.

i guess working together is not a good idea but the combination of our ideology on ideas are not bad at all. in fact it has proven a success despite the yelling and crying and burnt out talks. again, there's a conflict.

at this moment, i have a secret dream. hopefully it will come true in years to come. and in years to come, we probably can meet in a middle of understanding. maturity and normality can probably reveal more about ourselves. at this moment, i learn that i can love mr. s more and more everyday. at certain point, i am afraid that if he do not feel the same and if someday i'll be the one who is pushing him away.

i still do not know the answer to all my questions but i hope love will conquer all.

cut out my tongue, tear out my hair, cut off my limbs, but leave me my love, i would rather have lost my legs, pulled out my teeth, gouged out my eyes, than lost my love..........